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8 years ago last wednesday, my mom passed away. The date of her death affects me more than when her birthday comes around, I guess because I was personally there for one and not the other (obviously). I miss her so so so much! I don't want to bring down the day of anyone reading this, but just one thing about that sad day in 2000:

We were all w/ my mom when/as she died....me, my dad, my grandma, and most of her very closest friends. So that's actually a happy thing...how many people get to pass that way? Anyways, I remember that she'd "shut down" a few weeks before, didn't talk, didn't move, didn't respond or open her eyes. So when we were all there and watching her, I hugged her and I remember I told her that she could go, it was ok, I was ok, I was going to be fine. I figured "if all this had happened when I was a little girl, that would just be tragic...but I'm basically a grown woman, I'll do fine in life w/ just her memory and her example". And that's what I really thought. But it's just funny because what I didn't know at the time was that although I'd certainly be ok, (I had my dad and my grandma to look after me, a new husband and healthy baby), I would need her just as much as an adult as I did as a kid. I didn't know that I would want to ask her to fill-in the childhood memories that I've semi-forgotten. I didn't know that although I would never be short on other people's opinions on questions I would have, that I would still want HER opinion before I could make a confident decision. I didn't know that I would wish she were around to mediate the tensions and differences between my dad and my grandma. I didn't know I would want her to show me how to knit. I thought I was armed with knowledge about being a mother because I had her example, but I didn't know that lots of stuff she did w/ me as an only child can't be applied to the 3 girls I'm raising now and that I'd want to ask her what she would have done. I didn't know that I would end up w/ 3 sweet girls and that later on I would often just sit for chunks of time and think about how sad and unfair it is that they won't ever know her. But I'm somewhat glad that I didn't know all that at the time, because my ignorance made it easier to bear.

Well that was kind of a bummer, sorry about that.

As a "happy ending" to this post, as I was digging through boxes at my grandmas searching for something, I found these that my mom made, and hung them up in my living room. They make me happy :O)

2 comments:

Cula Parker said...

I really need a good cry. I can't imagine losing my mom after only being out of school for 2 years. I truly do admire you kristen. I know we weren't friends in highschool but I hope you know that if you, jesse, or the girls ever need anything I am here!

Anonymous said...

Kristen, I would have loved to have met your Mom. We could have been good friends, I'm sure, with such beautiful grandchildren in common, and of course you and Jesse. I never had a sister and I know that your Mom would have filled that gap, since we were so close in age. It is a terrible shame things happen the way they do, but in the overall picture, God is still in control, and someday we will know the answers to many questions.
Mariann

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